Which Bryant IS This Snoring Through the Preseason?
By Ted M. Green | L.A. Confidential, USC, Los Angeles Lakers, ColumnOK, I know, it’s only the preseason. But if I’m going to gush over Kobe when he is great, which I do as if I’m his own unpaid p.r. firm, the tradition of fair and impartial journalism impels me to report that, as I am watching the NBA’s star of stars meander through a meaningless exhibition game tonight in Orange County, he is playing so 
badly, I’d rather have Anita Bryant on my team.
Or Bryant Gumbel.
If Kobe commits one more turnover, he can become a French baker. He’s thrown more balls away tonight and all during the preseason than Notre Dame’s quarterbacks.
Sloppy? I’ve seen entire college fraternity houses that weren’t this unkempt.
Or to paraphrase from politics, I have seen Kobe Bryant, young man, and you, sir, are not Kobe Bryant.
If the Chicago Bulls get ahold of this tape, they won’t trade Ben Wallace’s Afro-Sheen to the Lakers, much less half their team.
Kobe is now shooting 33 per cent in the preseason, making him Kwame Brown with bigger hands. Or Kwame with no conscience. The World’s Most Focused Athlete since Rocky knocked out Drago also suddenly looks not just disinterested, which is one thing in preseason, but disconnected. Raising the following questions: Having gotten exactly nothing he asked for in the offseason, such as help around him, is he still in a grand funk without the railroad? Has he looked around and realized that, like Bill Murray in “Groundhog Day”, he’s still there with the Lakers and it’s still the same place, same time, same day and about to be the same season? Is he not just telling the Lakers he wants out, but also showing them? Or, better case scenario for the Lakers, is he just confused by his new role as what Phil Jackson calls the facilitator? Truth is, with his penchant for trying to make the SportsCenter play instead of the fundamental one, Kobe may be ill-suited to be initiating an offense from up top. You have to admit, being the primary ballhandler and initiator at the point requires sound decision making and basic basketball far more than it does the ability to cross over, beat two defenders and then two more while tomahawking and then doing chin-ups on the rim. So I ask again: Where is Kobe’s head and where is his heart? I’m sure these are questions most Laker fans are asking today.
Now when opening night arrives a week from now and they ring the bell for real, I’m almost equally sure the Kobester will drop 40 or 50 on the Houston Rockets and Yao’s large cranium. Because even if he worked for the post office, Kobe Bryant does NOT mail it in. So I’m going to turn off this excuse for basketball now and go back to watching something important, the fire story, and hope that Kobe is just as bored by the NBA preseason as I am.
Quarterback Controversy…What’s That?
Why is it that every self-respecting bigtime college football program in America can have a quarterback controversy naturally, or at least contrive one to keep their fans talking. But at USC, the Trojans have the makings of a real good debate, a genuine free-for-all, even, and the whole thing fizzles like a wet firecracker.
Two words: Pete Carroll.
Pete is handling this conundrum he’s facing–John David Booty or Mark Sanchez?–with the kind of easy aplomb that seems to make the coach the most trusted man in America since Walter Cronkite.
It’s as if USC fans are saying: No worries. Pete’s got it handled. Pete will figure it out. Pete will do the right thing.
With a team ranked ahead of them (Oregon) that’s favored to win in Eugene on Saturday, this really is a dilemma: Do you continue to start Sanchez, who had a below par performance in his first collegiate start against Arizona two weeks ago, then rebounded with 4 TD passes against Notre Dame? Or do you give the job back to Booty, the 5th year senior and preseason Heisman candidate who certainly doesn’t deserve to lose the gig just because he broke a finger and missed a couple of games?
Most schools, this is The Great Debate.
With Pete, it’s a shrug, a smile and next question, please.
Tell ya, Pete’s so good at diffusing, he’s got a future with a bomb squad.
Funny thing is, Pete’s right. Why worry? If he starts Sanchez, Booty is an insurance policy few colleges enjoy. If he starts Booty, everyone says how loyal Pete is to his guys, Sanchez had a wonderful little audition. Worse case, Sanchez is the guy next year. Unless it’s Mitch Mustain. But you won’t see Pete sweat about any of it, now or later.
Ted Green is Senior Sports Producer for KTLA Prime News and a former sportswriter for the L.A. Times and National Sports Daily
Discuss:
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You wrote “I’m almost equally sure the Kobester will drop 40 or 50 on the Houston Rockets and Yao’s large cranium.”
You are a racist bastard!
Yeah I agree with the above comment, not all Chinese people have large craniums!
You are promoting bad stereotypes in your writings.
You two are idiots. That was not a racist comment. Yao is 7′7″ and has a big head. You are a dumba** Ryan.
I’m happy to tell you guys that I referred to my Unabridged version of “Jim Crow’s Giant Book of Racial Stereotypes”, and in the Chinese section, there’s nothing in there about them having giant craniums. Ted, you’re off the hook, you formerly insensitive racist bastard.
QB controversy? Just wait until next year! Mark Sanchez, Mitch Mustain, and the currently-under-the-radar-but-might-be-better-than-both-of-them Aaron Corp will all be vying for that spot. And as for this Saturday, until proven otherwise, I hereby consign John David Booty to the Drew Bledsoe wing of the Mediocre QB Hall of Fame (aka guys who seemingly lost their jobs because of injuries but it was really because someone better came along while they were out). Sanchez had a bad 1st half in AZ, but he played light’s out in the last 6 quarters. I realize that it was against the worst Div 1 team I’ve seen in years, but still, he displays an on the field quality that I don’t see in Booty. To me, Booty is a guy who won’t win you a big game on his own, but he can definitely lose one.
you nerds need to chill out. there was no racism intended. Yao is physically odd, just look at his head and his body. it’s akin to calling Shaq a “freak of nature” a la Byron Scott
Ted, you remain a writer to emulate! Keep up the good talk!