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The news that USC might just take their pads, pigskins, and incredible profits up the 110 to play their home games at the Rose Bowl has generally been seen as a ploy to get the Overlords of the Coliseum to play ball on some stadium improvement/ownership debates. Yes, the Trojans do in fact have some history at the Rose Bowl in non-Rose Bowl circumstances, but despite the nostalgia we all feel for the glorious 1922 season, the notion that SC would leave the stadium that not only is such a rich part of their history but virtually an extension of campus seems unthinkable. But hey, this is L.A. We’re taught to keep water tucked into every nook and cranny in case of fire, earthquake, or mudslide. Disaster contingency plans breed here like bunnies.

Talking to press folk Tuesday night at the Laker game, I heard more than one person say that if the Trojans leave the Coliseum, the wrecking ball would shortly follow. Bill Plaschke said the same in his column this morning. Well, I don’t want to see that happen. We need Plan B. And C. Hell, go through the entire alphabet. Anything to save this venerable L.A. landmark. With that in mind, I present a few alternative uses for the Coliseum, should the Trojans bolt:

-Clippers Games: The red, white, and blue will never be top dog at Staples, and given their current and historical trajectory, this is a franchise in desperate need of a hook. If the NHL can play games outside in Buffalo in January, the NBA can get in touch with its streetball side and hoop in the fresh air through an L.A. winter. Put chain link around the court, dress the Clippers Spirit in tight jeans and tank tops, and unleash the playground fury that is Dan Dickau.

-Occidental Football: Forget USC and UCLA. If the Commission wants a consistent winner, all they need to do is head to Eagle Rock. The Tigers kicked off the ‘07 season riding a 28 game win streak, which they ran to 34 before dropping a game on Oct. 27 to Cal Lutheran. Oxy plays at 85 year old W.C. Patterson Stadium, so they’re probably looking for an upgrade, but will they need $100 million’s worth? Probably not. Go Tigers!

-The New Home of David Beckham: No, I’m not talking about moving Galaxy games. The Home Depot Center is a beautiful facility perfectly suited to MLS soccer. I mean a place where gawkers and paparazzi can gaze upon Becks and shoot his image, unimpeded by the distractions and clutter of an actual soccer game. It’s what most people want, anyway.

-Authentic Gladiator Games: It’s the Coliseum, for crying out loud. And if we provide a structured environment for people to do this sort of thing, we can bring it out of back alleys and basements.

-A Place to Hide Mitch Kupchak: The Lakers aren’t going to win this year, they’re not going to win next year, and Kobe isn’t going to get any happier. Kupchak will probably have to trade him, and because there’s almost no other way for it to happen, will likely not get anything close to equal value in return. I’ve been to the Lakers’ facility in El Segundo. No way those walls keep out the angry mob. He’ll need somewhere more imposing.

-Demolition Derby: They should be doing this anyway. Even if they stay, SC uses the building what, six times a year? Shouldn’t the other 359 be used for something constructive?

-The World’s First Fantasy Football Stadium: Outfit the place with wireless and some outlets, and let everyone bring in their laptops to monitor their teams while watching games on big screens. It’s what people are doing on Sundays anyway. Serve some hot dogs, a little beer, and nobody will notice that there isn’t an actual NFL team playing on the field, since the league has made it abundantly clear that they won’t put one in the Coliseum. (Actually, this isn’t a bad idea on a smaller scale. Anyone have a liquor license and some open space they’d like to share? We can advertise for free on this site! I know a guy…)

-Those Old Superstars Competitions: Nothing says fun like tube socks, short shorts, and 250 pound NFLers riding ten speeds around a dirt track. Combine that old school element with a revival of the MTV Rock ‘N’ Jock franchise, and we’re talking serious entertainment. C’mon, Dean Cain, do you choose Renaldo Nehemiah or Marky Mark to run the obstacle course?

-UCLA Football: Potential crowd control issues aside, it’s just too ironic a possibility to ignore.

We’re trying to save a stadium, here, so all suggestions are welcome. No idea is too crazy!

Brian Kamenetzky hosts the Lakers Blog and Blue Notes: A Dodgers Blog for the LA Times.com. He’s a contributing writer to ESPN The Magazine and ESPN.com. Write him at bk@sportshubla.com.

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