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From Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes we got TomKat and maybe L. Ron Hubbard’s alien baby.

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner gave to those of us who could barely contain our excitement…Bennifer.

And then they were trumped by the gold standard of supermarket magazine sellers, Brangelina.

Now, from a world precious few of us will thankfully ever understand, we have the latest one-name celebrity coupling.

Bushdashian.

If you don’t read the tabs and celeb rags, this would be Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian.

He is a football player famous for being really good in college.

Like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, she is a celebutante famous for absolutely nothing.

Bushdashian, if you haven’t heard, is now officially a couple.

The new year rang in with a breathless report that Bushdashian got engaged.

The source was OK Magazine. Apparently the information wasn’t.

Bushdashian is denying the story.

Like Simon and Garfunkel, Reggie may love her like a rock, but he apparently hasn’t given her one… yet.  He says they’re not engaged, just serious, which is now more than we can say for my writing career.

Now in the interest of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, which I understand is a reality show full of girly drama featuring Bruce Jenner as the stepdad who resembles a thin Mrs. Doubtfire, I’m keeping up with the Bushdashians in the interest of figuring out why Reggie Bush sucks in the NFL.

I realize given Kim’s history of making Internet sex tapes with enormously endowed wannabe rappers, that may be a very poor choice of verbs. But I digress.

Understanding how a transcendent, electric college football megastar could go bust in the pros may be as simple as connecting the dots.  In math terms, Reggie + any Saturday night with Kim could = no legs on Sunday.

What other explanation can you offer for a talent like Reggie Bush sporting a career NFL rushing average of 3.6 yards per carry?  Bad blocking?

The Reggie Bush we watched at USC should get 3 1/2 yards on a broken leg.  Two maybe.

Now in the name of research only, I just downloaded Kim’s new pictures that appear in the December 2007 issue of Playboy.

Please don’t mock me, in journalism, it’s important to stay abreast of the very latest information.

This is how I have remained in the bosom of the news business for so long.

Anyway, in my research I saw seven images of Kim. I was conscious for the first four.

Enlarge any one of the seven and you’ll instantly realize that Reggie’s lucky he can run 3 inches, never mind 3 yards.

Kim’s tush belongs in a South African mine, cutting diamonds.  Or an NBA locker room.

In the first “Rocky” movie, Burgess Meredith as the trainer Mick told Rock that “women weaken legs.”

This Mick did without the benefit of downloading.

One look at Kardashian in Playboy, it’s a wonder Reggie has legs at all.

Another month or two with Kim, he’ll have to be fitted for prostheses.

Now those of you who know and love and even understand football will tell me that Bush came in with too much hype…his man-against-boys blockers at SC made it easy for him…that NFL linebackers are as fast as he is…that with all the money and pub, he started his NFL career with too much pressure and thus tried to do too much, tried to turn every 7-yard gain into 70.

I say two words: Burgess Meredith.

And two more: Kim Kardashian.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for love and romance. It’s just wonderful when two people find each other in this big, bad world. But if I’m the New Orleans Saints paying Reggie millions to run 3 yards, I’m introducing him to two more words apparently absent from his vocabulary at the present time:

Voluntary celibacy.

If I’m the Saints, I also may be wondering why Reggie can walk around South Beach carrying Kim’s shopping bags, but he can’t carry a football?  Last we checked, the football is a lot lighter

On the other hand, I’m personally relieved that while Bushdashian is a couple, they are not, according to their peeps, an engaged couple just yet.

After the pictures I just saw, I don’t think I could write the words Kim Bush with a straight face.

Ted Green is Senior Sports Producer for KTLA Prime News and a former sportswriter with the L.A. Times and National Sports Daily. He and his wife go simply by Ted and Gail.

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