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To put this in pop culture aficionado speak, the Phoenix Suns have officially jumped the shark. 

For those either unfamiliar with today’s slang or simply more into Newsweek than Entertainment Weekly, “jumping the shark” is, according to the eponymous website, “a defining moment when you know that your favorite television program has reached its peak. That instant that you know from now on… it’s all downhill.”  Like, say, the episode of “Happy Days” where Fonz jumps a school of sharks while on waterskiis. (Incidentally, I totally forgot that ”The California Kid” challenging Mr. Fonzarelli is the same dude who played “Greg Marmalard” in “Animal House.”  This is the stuff I live to rediscover.) 

Along these lines, I’m of the opinion that by acquiring Shaquille O’Neal for Shawn Marion and Marcus Banks, the Suns have officially jumped the shark.  The addition of a player with zero business running and/or gunning (dude will be throwing up pancakes six minutes into the first quarter) and a questionable ability to serve as a theoretical defensive presence (for the 15 remaining games he’s healthy, of course) equals Phoenix Ted C. McGinley-ing themselves.  Why the move, I have no clue, considering the Suns made said trade while sitting atop the uber-rough Western Conference (8-2 over their previous 10) and might actually own a title had Amare Stoudamire and Boris Diaw not been suspended for Game 5 of 2007’s W.C. semi’s against the Spurs, and Steve Nash’s nose not bled uncontrollably during Game 1 (everyone forgets that wrinkle).  But the formula apparently wasn’t working and the show just announced a guest star that smacks of desperation. 

I only wonder how long things last before cancellation follows.

I’ve spent the last couple days trying to wrap my head around the most oddball basketball transaction I can recall in many an eon.  All kidding aside, this one is seriously strange.  I mean, God bless Steve Kerr for what one assumes is a visionary take on this supposed lottery ticket, because the rest of us only see a disastrous move that most franchises couldn’t possibly top if they tried.

Except, of course, the Kings of All Moves Bad.  Your Los Angeles Clippers.   

When it comes to bricking a call, few franchises in sports, much less the NBA, can enter the Clipper V.I.P. lounge.  The last five years alone include opting to let Elton Brand, Corey Maggette, Andre Miller and Lamar Odom all “play” for free agent contracts (as opposed to locking one up with a good faith extension to prevent the inevitable selfishness that ensued), using a 2005 lottery pick on Yaroslav Koralev (now doing barista work at a Russian Starbucks) and granting career-coaster Tim Thomas long-term security.  Topping Phoenix’s nonsensical call won’t be easy, but I have a plan that not only regains the Clippers their “What the $@%&” crown, but specifically one-ups the “very round peg in a square hole” move just made by the Suns. 

Bring back Michael Olowakandi.

That’s right.  You read it correctly the first time.  Another go around with The Kandi Man.

By reteaming with the biggest #1 overall bust of all time (assuming anybody is willing to argue another candidate), the poster child for everything awful this franchise has endured, the Clips could steal headlines from a team that apparently fancies itself in a make or break situation come playoff time.  Playoff time won’t even come for the Clips, but at the same time, a 2008 Shaq is still better than Olowokandi in his prime, so it all evens out.  It actually shakes out “Advantage Clippers” on the weirdness scale, considering 2008’s lone bright spot has been the play of center Chris Kaman, who’d seemingly be benched upon the arrival of his newest teammate.  And by “seemingly,” I mean, “absolutely.”  Gotta fight fire with fire.  The Suns, despite claims to the contrary, are likely to give their game plan an unnecessary and ill-conceived face lift.  If the Clips wanna keep pace, this is a can’t miss strategy.

In fact, why not up the ante even further?  Bring back every Clipper center who didn’t pan out.  Stanley Roberts.  Wang Zhizhi.  Cherokee Parks.  My man Keith Closs.  Bring ‘em all back.  Hell, fill the entire roster with crappy centers.  What to do with, say, Elton Brand, Corey Maggette or Al Thornton, you ask? Simple. Cut all their asses!  Admittedly, this approach may prove too radical for some, but when it comes to turning a team upside down in fashion arguably described as “illogical,” the faint of heart need not apply. 

Besides, those are the same naysayers who’d also claim that if the Suns didn’t want to pay Marion anyway, they should have just reaped his talents for another season and called his “opt out” bluff (then traded him during the offseason if he didn’t mean it), added a banger with a decent jump shot to the fold and called it a day.  These so-called “sensible” folks won’t be able to wrap their heads around my galvanizing Clippers vision.  If a Western Conference powerhouse can make a knee jerk move to maintain their apparently shrinking relevance, a Western Conference cellar-dweller can go equally knee jerk to accentuate their irrelevance.  I implore you, Elgin Baylor!  Turn the Pacific upside down and backwards.  I promise, this plan comes 100% “Billy Crystal-Approved.”*

And for those still not sold, I come equipped with a Plan B.  Two words: Greg… Ostertag.

*- Note: No effort was made to contact Billy Crystal’s camp, meaning his afforementioned “approval” is quite possibly closer to a slightly lower 0% than the more robust “100.”  I just feel confident the man behind such nostalgia-laced entertainment as “Mr. Saturday Night” and “700 Sundays” would dig this trip down Bad Memory Lane.  Maybe I’m assuming too much, but that’s just how I roll.
  
AK

Andrew Kamenetzky hosts Lakers Blog and Blue Notes: A Dodgers Blog for LATimes.com. In addition to his work with the Times, he is a contributing writer for ESPN The Magazine, ESPN.com and EXPN.com, and co-authored Fishing on the Edge, the autobiography of B.A.S.S. fishing bad boy Mike Iaconelli. He is also a regular contributor to “The Steve Mason Show” on ESPN Radio (710 AM, 1-4 pm PST).

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