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It’s been mentioned once or twice that the NBA West is pretty good this year. All nine potential playoff teams have at least some chance to win the whole thing, but almost all of them have some flaw that makes their defeat possible, even in the first round.

San Antonio? Too old. New Orleans? Too young. Utah? No bona-fide stars. Houston? Um, their best player is out for the year, maybe more when he plays on that foot in the Olympics. (If you think Yao won’t play if he’s still hurt, you’re wrong. He doesn’t have much of a choice here-would you rather let down the Houston Rockets or the Chinese Government? We need David Stern to step in on this one - he might be the only human being on Earth with the power to stare down a communist nation with over a billion people.)

Phoenix? Shaq’s fitting in like Michelle Rodriguez in Lost. Dallas? Couldn’t get it done when they were up 2-0, couldn’t get out of the first round with 65 wins. How are they going to pull it off when they’re 7th in the conference? Denver? Can’t guard anybody.

Golden State? Anything’s possible with that team - their best player just gave out the award for which 2007 movie had “the most pimped out clothing.” They could get swept, or they could win it all. This is a team of crazy people with a crazier coach. Anything is possible.

Then there are the Lakers. When pointing to every Western Conference team’s “weaknesses,” The best Kenny Smith could do was “The Bench,” which is only the best bench in the NBA. The Lakers have got experience. They’ve got youth. Their two best players are squarely in their prime. They share the ball. They play defense. They can shoot and score inside. They can push the pace. And they have a pretty good guy to give the ball to at the end of the game. But since I love Kenny, EJ, and Chuck on TNT so much, I decided to finish Kenny’s job for him, free of cost, and come up with a possible weakness for this juggernaut of a team. After literally hours of thought, the Lakers only have two remotely possible Achilles heels:

1. Someone could pull a Tonya Harding and try to take out Kobe’s bad hand, either by smacking it with a closed fist as he goes up to shoot, grabbing and twisting it in a jump-ball tie-up, or stepping on it when he goes to the floor for a loose ball.

(I was just going to make a quick joke about this and move on to an actual basketball article, but I ended up with a 13-player list of likely candidates, in order:)

1. Raja Bell, PHX

Gets the nod over Bruce Bowen, despite being slightly less dirty as a player, because of his personal history with Kobe.

2. Bruce Bowen, SAS

For obvious reasons.

3. Ruben Patterson, Free Agent

He’s the self-proclaimed “Kobe Stopper.” And he’s not a nice man. Also, he could blame Kobe for not having a job in the league. (Hell, it might be true. If I was a Western Conference GM, I’d be afraid to sign him and watch Kobe drop 65 on me and stare at Patterson after every basket. Of course, it could also have something to do with the time he punched out Zach Randolph in practice, breaking his eye socket, forcing him to spend the night in fear for his life at Dale Davis’ house. Could we get an early-decade Blazers reunion show? Even Scottie Pippen seems like a villain after ending his career with them.) And he has nothing to lose, and a team has nothing to lose if he gets suspended. If a Western Conference GM signs him to a 10-day contract just before Kobe comes to town, I’d watch out.

4. Kwame Brown

So many reasons here. Kwame’s gotta hate the Lakers almost as much as their fans hate him, especially after Caron Butler busted out while Kwame imploded on himself. Memphis GM Chris Wallace could order the hit because of all the crap he’s taken for giving away Gasol. Kwame could harbor resentment towards Kobe for forever changing the expectations on 18-year olds and ultimately leading to him being the #1 pick and an object of scorn. (Darko could also talk him into it for this reason.) Also, there’s the Michael Jordan factor, which I’ll explain in more detail later.

5. Eduardo Najera, DEN

Right up there with Bell/Bowen in terms of being a dirty player, only without the press. Add that to the fact George Karl clearly doesn’t care anymore and could order the hit, along with the fact he’d become a folk hero in Denver because of their lingering hatred of Kobe, and he’s in the top 5.

6. Quentin Ross, LAC

Another one of those “defensive stopper” guys who always get in a little extra shot. He makes the top 5 because of the possibility of Elgin Baylor calling in the hit; between Kobe taking his title as the best shooting guard in Laker history, Kobe stringing the Clippers along in the Summer of 2004, and the Lakers making the Clippers irrelevant for the last few decades, Elgin could have it in for Kobe.

7. Renaldo Balkman, NYK

Everyone involved with the Knicks probably has a lot of pent-up aggression, but Renaldo’s got to be the angriest of all. One, he’s playing hard every night, doing all the little things, and being the type of role player every team would like to have. Meanwhile, this happens. Second, on a team of guys with horrible attitudes and styles of play, the most maligned acquisition of the entire horrifying Isiah Thomas era was poor Renaldo, in the Greatest Draft Moment Of All Time. (That’s the best clip I could find. Sadly, the TV clip with Stephen A. Smith’s rant -does he ever speak without ranting?- and Jay Bilas’ post pick-analysis, where he stopped dead in the middle and said “I don’t understand this. This is a second-round talent,” wasn’t available. Even YouTube has its limits.) Third, I was trying to think of a goofy person who would do it because of a beef with Jack Nicholson, but then I realized that Jack doesn’t have enemies. Everyone loves Jack. Is there any other non-basketball player who could get out of his courtside seat and shake the other team’s hands after playoff games and not piss anybody off? The best I can come up with is Spike Lee, because of the New York-LA thing and the title of “best celebrity fan.”

It really wouldn’t take much convincing to get Renaldo to lash out.

8. Ray Allen, BOS

He doesn’t like Kobe. He plays for the other front-runner for the championship. Throw in the Spike Lee connection and the fact he’s a nice enough guy to get away with it, and he’s a contender.

9. Adam Morrison, CHA

Seems like an odd pick, especially considering he’s sidelined for the year with microfracture surgery. This one is all about Michael Jordan pulling the strings. Michael will say and do all the right things when people talk about Kobe becoming “The Next Jordan,” but deep down this is a deeply competitive man who is probably hoping against hope nobody challenges his legacy. Why Adam Morrison? There’s no chance Morrison pulls this off and gets away with it-he’d have to go over to Kobe in a suit in warmups and just step on his hand out of the blue. If that happens, he gets suspended for another year and probably traded for almost nothing. Just like that, Morrison doesn’t play for the Bobcats anymore, and the evidence of one of MJ’s biggest professional mistakes, Morrison over Roy, is gone forever.

11. Shane Battier, HOU

A little bit because of the possibility of a Tracy McGrady grudge and/or Gerald Green holding a grudge because of the expectations put on high school players, but mostly because Battier’s probably the only guy that could get away with it because of his defensive intensity and nice-guy reputation. Also, he’s smart enough to know that he could get away with it. Those Duke guys are sharp.

12. Chris Duhon, CHI

Another squeaky-clean Dukie who plays hard defense, but this would have John Paxson’s fingerprints all over it. Think he might be a little bitter about not being able to pull off a Kobe trade?

13. Mickael Pietrus, GSW

Good defender, residual anger about not being traded this year, wants the title of “most athletic European shooting guard,” but mostly, Don Nelson could tell him that throwing people to the ground and stepping on their shooting hand was his new defensive scheme and Mickael would believe him.

Wow. I meant to write an article about the possibility of Bynum’s not fitting in with the rest of the team when he gets back from injury (it’s almost as likely as this scenario, which is to say that it’s completely ridiculous and won’t happen), but I’ve written 1,400 words on possible hand assassins. Where does the time go?

To re-state, I realize that none of this is actually going to happen, with the possible exception of Bowen and Bell, and even they’re million-to-one shots to actually try and take out a hand. That said, it was fun imagining a world where people would try and take out a player as good as Kobe Bryant, and why. NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO SEE IT HAPPEN. My mind just wanders. I guess I’ll have to leave actual basketball stuff until tomorrow. Leave other possible nominees in the comments.

And please don’t say Kelly Dwyer.

John Krolik is the author/host of Truth in a Bullet Fedora. His work can also be found on Free Darko, and the Most Valuable Network.

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