Top 10 Ways to Make the Final 23 Clipper Games Fun
By Andrew Kamenetzky | The Mind of AK, Los Angeles ClippersI doubt I’m going out on a limb speculating that the Clippers aren’t currently knee deep in “good times.” Wednesday’s 116-109 win over Sacramento was not only their first since February 6th, but required double overtime against a
sub-.500 team playing the second game of a back-to back without Ron Artest or Kevin Martin. And because such specific parameters were needed to end a six-game skid, it’s safe to assume more losses than wins loom on the horizon.
Although really, do wins even matter at this point? At 20-39, their chances of making the playoffs are only slightly better than UC Irvine’s. Resident “emotional leader” Sam Cassell began making it abundantly clear around late-January that his mind and heart were elsewhere, which led to his current status in Celtic green. Elton Brand is hoping to get back on the court this season, but a return for Shaun Livingston looks grim. But even if E.B. manages to get a little burn, the lows will likely continue outweighing the highs.
Which isn’t to say the Clips couldn’t get a party of sorts started. Granted, they already blew my advice on how to one up the Shaq deal for weirdness and steal some Phoenician thunder. Opportunity wasted, but I’m willing to toss them another two pennies for free. If the red, white and blue are looking to salvage any fun potential for the season, here are ten fool proof schemes:
10. “Dan Dickau’s One-Man Dunk Contest”
Dickau won’t be pitted against dunk contest medalists like Dwight Howard, Josh Smith or Gerald Green, but rather
suggestions from the crowd. Before tip off, fans will vote on a dunk of choice for the diminutive point guard. Each game won’t start until a rim is rattled. If Dickau can’t make it happen within two hours and change (the typical NBA game running time), the Clips forfeit, saving themselves the trouble of actually working for a loss. Really, who doesn’t love watching a six-foot (rounding up) white boy trying in vain to throw down NBA Live-style? Hell, I get a kick out of watching 6′10″ white boys struggle.
By the way, congrats to Chris Anderson on getting reinstated back into the NBA. Best of luck with your second chance.
9. Play “The Benny Hill Show” music over the P.A. during games.
Forty-eight minutes worth of Boots Randolph’s “Yakety Sax” instantly turns makes the most dour of situations cheery, or at least zany. Period. Done deal. Money. I don’t care if it’s the Clippers surrendering their fourth 18-6 run of the night, a pyschopathic writer trying to kill his family, or a shrimp running on a treadmill (although by definition, an exercising crustacean is fairly amusing). It’s just impossible not to smile when that ditty is playing.
8. Two drink minimum for all fans 21 or older. One drink minimum for the rest.
7. After every game, one randomly selected female fan gets to take home Brevin Knight in her purse.
6. Let Tim Thomas truly phone it in.
The degree to which Thomas is willing to coast has become the stuff of legend. And with the Clippers having literally zilch to play for right now, cruise control for TT feels inevitable. So why not revel in it? Let Thomas watch games from home while hooked up to a web cam, and whenever Dunleavy would normally put him into the game, Thomas appears on the jumbotron and narrates what he’d do were he actually playing.
“Yeah, I’d sorta go after that loose ball… My man would blow past me right about there… No, I probably wouldn’t take that opportunity to post up, but you better believe I’d be putting up a three.”
More often than not, most people won’t be able to tell the difference.
5. Chris Kaman: Oversized point guard
4. “Real World: Staples Center”
This is the true story of seven Clipper people picked to live in a house and have their lives taped. A new reality show shown on the jumbotron during halftime, starring Mike Dunleavy, Elgin Baylor, Donald Sterling, celeb fan Penny Marshall, super fan Clipper Daryl, Danny Manning and Darius Miles (the only athlete alive who considers a Clips stint his “salad days”). 
The final home game will feature Dunleavy in the Confessional Room after downing a pint of Jack Daniels and an appearance by equally tanked “surprise guest” Corey Maggette, armed with an opt out, knowledge that his time with the Clips is over and absolutely nothing to lose. From there, each will confess his “thoughts” on their time together. Find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real.
3. The “Guess Which Random Baller We Just Signed to a 10-Day Contract” Promo.
Each game will feature a different ex-NBA player donning one of those Mexican pro wrestler masks. Fan
s will be given clues throughout the game as to the newest roster member’s identity. If clues like “decent backup point guard inexplicably given 22 mil in 2001 by the Rockets,” “inexplicably re-acquired in 2005 by those same Rockets”and “career was never the same upon cutting his hair” prompt some fan to yell “Moochie Norris” before the final buzzer, free Jack in the Box tacos for everyone!!
2. Unleash Al Thornton
All jokes and kidding aside, this rook is the closest the Clippers come to offering a “must see” attraction. Thornton moves faster than a cracked-out gazelle, can hit from behind the arc or above the rim, and often pulls out some seriously athletic stops. It doesn’t matter whether he’s playing out of his skull or way the hell over his head, he’s never less than pure fun to watch. That win over Sacto was fueled by his 22 fourth quarter/OT points, two of which came off a crossover jumper that was positively Jordan-esque. If the Clipper brass wants to provide any reason for fans to convince themselves that hope springs eternal, they’ll force Dunleavy to run the offense through this kid ASAP.
1. Take a cue from all the ladies and picture a courtside Donald Sterling in his underwear. 
AK
Andrew Kamenetzky hosts Lakers Blog and Blue Notes: A Dodgers Blog for LATimes.com. In addition to his work with the Times, he is a contributing writer for ESPN The Magazine, ESPN.com and EXPN.com, and co-authored Fishing on the Edge, the autobiography of B.A.S.S. fishing bad boy Mike Iaconelli. He is also a regular contributor to “The Steve Mason Show” on ESPN Radio (710 AM, 1-4 pm PST).
Discuss:
Loading ...
Or if playing at home, how about a shot of beer per point scored in the game?
A Double Century Club if you will… this has the makings of a David Hasselhoff-like mess…
Technically AK, I think you mean a “methed-out gazelle.” Cracked out would just lay around and do nothing.
AK’s Biggest fan,
That may be true. “Cracked out” is a generally accepted term to describe someone getting crazy, but if you’re looking to pick the drugs as truly accurate as possible, meth might have been the better choice.
AK
AK you are a genius. I’m all for number ten, It would a lot more fun than actually watching a Clippers game.
Rather than continuing to make tired jokes at the Clippers’ expense, I’d recommend just sticking to your Laker musings and waiting for your next lame appearance on 710. Nothing is worse than a jackass Laker honk rubbing it into Clipper fans noses. Dipshit.
To expound on my last comment, here’s further proof that you should stick to what you know. You claim Darius Miles is “the only athlete alive who considers a Clips stint his “salad days.” Ummm, no. There’s a long list of former Clippers who could easily do the same. Do Charles Smith, Danny Manning and Ken Norman ring a bell? These guys had decent careers, but were clearly at their best while with the Clippers! I’ll give you one thing, though… this latest entry isn’t nearly as bad as that dogshit diatribe from you earlier about how the Clips should reacquire Michael Olowokandi. Har Har. Again, please save your ill-formed attempts at humor for the Lakers and Dodgers. Leave the Clippers to thoughtful, well-informed blogs like clipperblog.com or clipsnation.com. You clearly know jack SHIT about the Clippers.
Ross,
Wow. Um… bitter much?
Well, for starters, you missed my point with the earlier post about Olowokandi and the Clips, which was making fun of Phoenix trading for Shaq. I considered the Suns my mockery target, not the Clippers. Read the piece again. I’m confident it’s there.
My point about Miles was also meant more facetiously than literally. But technically speaking, since you brought it up, I’ll actually stand by my assertion that compared to Miles, Manning, Smith and Norman experienced salad days elsewhere. Smith and Norman’s best days may have come with the Clips, but at least they played a few legitimately productive seasons with other teams. Manning had five consecutive seasons averaging double figures post-LAC and in his particular case, everyone knows Manning’s dwindling effectiveness as a player was due to his health, not leaving the Clips.
Compare those three to Miles, who played his best ball with the Clips, then …
a) Got traded to Cleveland, did nothing but develop a bad attitude that’s since grown worse
b) Get traded to the Blazers, where he played well for about half a contract year season
c) Began disappointing Portland almost immediately upon signing him, in part because he kept feuding with Mo Cheeks, who’s considered a very easy coach to get along with.
d)In an Portland newspaper iinterview, publicly bitched about having no bobblehead of him in Portland, admitted to showing up buzzed to practices from the previous night’s drinking and kept begging to get traded.
e) Micro-fracture surgery, which has sidelined him for almost two seasons. In the meantime, he’s been spotted out at a bar while he was supposed to be at a rehab session and with Randolph now gone, he’s now considered the lone bad apple on that team. Because of that, the team is making it pretty clear they ain’t playing him any time soon, basically engaging in a game of chicken with him that they’re hoping will prompt the decision to retire.
f) Has arguably the NBA’s most untradable contract.
So yeah, relatively speaking, I think Miles has “salad days” bragging rights over Manning, Smith or Norman. If you really want this broken down, I don’t think it’s really even much of a contest.
AK